two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
