Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
