Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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