I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
