You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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