There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
