I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
