I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
