So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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