yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
