she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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