I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
