More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Randomize
