Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
