Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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