i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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