found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
