So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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