Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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