dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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