Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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