he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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