I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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