1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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