Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
