1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Vodka?
Forever.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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