I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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