I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
