A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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