I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
