After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
