i just wanna soil my oats bro
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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