my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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