Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
