is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
