it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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