Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
