I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
