So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
