I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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