i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
