i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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