I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
