I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
