I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
