Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
