1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Congratulations! We have a period
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