you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
