Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
