so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
