people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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