dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
